There are two things that have been mentioned in every dating profile I’ve ever created: I’m looking for a feminist, and I’m looking for someone who understands that curly fries are the best type of fry. Because understanding this universal truth is that important. I consider it one of my fundamental beliefs. I even put it in the intro to this blog. This is a battle I am willing to go to war over. If you think anything, anything is more important than your favorite type of fry is, you can GET OUT.

I have a lot of opinions on a lot of things, and as a (newly) empathetic person, I am usually able to see others’ points of view, or at the very least, respect them. Unfortunately, this is something I cannot waver on. Curly fries are indisputably the tastiest type of fry. There’s definitely a scientific reason that I don’t know about, and do you really want to argue with science?

My definitive french fry ranking is as follows:

1. Curly Fries — the feeling of cuddling a basket of puppies, in French fry form
2. Shoestring Fries — at least 3x as fun as eating actual shoestrings
3. Cheese Fries — with Mozzarella/Cheddar, because cheese whizz is garbage
4. Hand-cut fries — best when eaten off other’s plates…not sure why…
5. Sweet Potato Fries — because combining dessert with dinner can be a good idea
6. Waffle Fries — the only redeemable thing about Chik-fil-a
7. Crinkle-Cut — AKA seagull food
8. Steak Fries — not even really a fry

Also, have those of you who enjoy cheese whizz tasted real cheese? Like, at all?

There’s obviously a lot that goes into making a french fry of any sort tasty: how meaty the fry is, how long it has been cooked, condiments and other accoutrements, etc. But all of these things considered, the perfectly done curly fry is still better than a perfectly done fry of any other kind. Conversely, a non-well-done curly fry might not be as good as a perfectly done shoestring fry, but definitely would still be better than any crinkle-cut fry.

That being said, there are hierarchies when it comes to curly fries. I don’t want those flimsy, soggy, underdone fries that some places have. Nor do I want burned fries with no soft middle. Like bacon, the trick with curly fries is to get them somewhere in the middle. Not so underdone that they lose their integrity, but not so overdone that they’re just indistinguishable fry bits. Who am I, Steven Universe?!

I also feel the need to point out that the best part about curly fries for me is the seasoning. Sure, that shape that we all know and love is important, but without that signature curly fry seasoning, curly fries would just be spirals of bleh. Places that offer regular fries with curly fry seasoning are redeemable in my eyes, because I still get that same delicious taste as I eat all of the fries off Dan’s plate.

I think one of the reasons that I idolize curly fries so much, beyond their general amazingness, is the fact that they were a treat when I was a kid. Sure, we went out to restaurants plenty, and all of them had french fries, but very few restaurants we frequented had curly fries. I was subjected to whatever fries they had on the menu, which were usually steak fries, depressingly enough.

The best part about being an adult is that you can leave the house and seek out any type of food you want! Want to buy an entire cake at the grocery store? Have a party! Want to check out every sushi joint in the tri-state area for one meal? That’s your prerogative! Want to drive an hour away for the best tacos? I admire your dedication! While deciding which type of food you want can be the worst curse of adulthood, the ability to go out and buy three tubs of ice cream without fear of retribution is undoubtedly the best.

Those curly fries that were once delicacies as a kid are now easily found with a google search and reached with my car. Now, I know where all of the best curly fry spots are, and I can get to them in case of an emergency. The emergency being that someone offers me steak fries.

Although curly fries already have the greatest possible seasoning, like anything else, they can be enhanced with Buffalo sauce. I’m not the biggest fan of ketchup to begin with, and I don’t really love it on my fries. No, I’m the weirdo at the table that is always asking the waiter for extra buffalo sauce with my fries, wings, eggs, ice cream, what have you. As you all know, I love Buffalo sauce, and I want it EVERYWHERE.

The only downside to curly fries is that I imagine that they wouldn’t make the best cheese fries because the curly fry flavor would overpower the cheese. Although maybe I will have to test it, in the name of science.

So pull up a seat and order. Would you like curly fries with that? Of course you do! In fact, I’ll get some for the table. You’re welcome!

Photography by my talented fiancé. You can find him on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/hope_grows_here/