As everyone knows, making friends as an adult is hard. I wrote a guide on this a while ago, but that guide didn’t give any recommendations about sourcing those friends. Since online dating worked for me in the past, I thought I would give Bumble BFF a try.
It’s gone well overall, but just like online dating, I have certain standards. Here are all of the things that make me “nope” and left swipe immediately.
What’s on their profile: “No penpals”
What I read: “We need to meet up immediately/I don’t look at my phone”
Just like dating, I don’t want to meet up with anyone right away. For both safety and compatibility reasons, I like to take my time. In my mind, there’s nothing wrong with having a bestie that I mostly send self-deprecating memes to daily. Plus, who has the time to meet up regularly nowadays!? I text my best friends every day but only see them monthly. I definitely want a friend I can text and not feel weird if we can’t meet up for a while. My friends aren’t obligated to text me every day, but I’d just like them to be open to the possibility of me being able to text when we’re too busy to meet up.
What’s on their profile: No bio at all/“I hate writing bios”
What I read: “I am laid back/easygoing”
Yeah…safe to say if you’re laid back or easygoing, we probably will not get along. You don’t even want to explain who you are to your potential best friend for life!? Quite the gamble, if you ask me. If “meh, idc about filling out a Bumble BFF bio” is your attitude, how will you feel about more important things like curly fries or how disgusting banana pudding is?
Back when I was dating, I wrote out super detailed profiles because I figured that anyone who saw my profile would just recognize that I’m an intense person, and if they weren’t, they’d leave me alone. I mean, I have axe throwing on my Bumble BFF profile. How much more intense could I get!?
What’s on their profile: “I’m looking for a workout buddy”
What I read: “I’m looking for a workout buddy”
Look, I understand needing an accountability buddy. I struggle to go to yoga if I don’t have someone to go with. But I’m not looking for someone who is going to drag me to the gym all the time and judge me for eating frites 3 times a week. If I’m choosing between someone whose profile says they need someone to try new restaurants with them and someone who wants a workout buddy, I’m going with new restaurants 10 out of 10 times.
What’s on their profile: “I’m just here for a good time”
What I read: “I don’t suffer from mental illness, and if I do, I don’t talk about it”
Anyone who’s talked to me for longer than 10 minutes knows about all of my mental illnesses, all of the work I’m doing with my therapist, where my issues come from, and my entire family history. I tend to surround myself with people who also suffer from mental illnesses because they get me. We can spend hours chatting, relating to each other, and making some jokes that…might make other people concerned for us. Everyone knows that the human condition is suffering. I simply can’t relate to someone who’s “here for a good time.” Are you having a good time here!? ARE YOU!?
What’s on their profile: “I like the club scene/I don’t like staying in”
What I read: “I’m going to drag you off your couch and make you stay up too late”
I’m a homebody. I do like going out to restaurants and to do fun activities…but only if I am home and in bed by 10pm. Last I checked, the club scene doesn’t open until at least 9pm. That is not the time that activities start. That is the time that activities are winding down. Paying the check at the restaurant, saying goodbye to friends, falling asleep in the passenger seat as your fiancé drives you home. That’s what happens at 9pm. If you want to hang out at 9pm, be prepared to come to my house in your pjs, curl up on the couch, and watch me sleep in front of the TV.
What’s on their profile: “I love nature”
What I read: “I love nature”
Fun fact: I do not like bugs. I don’t like sleeping on the ground. I’m allergic to most plants. Look, I’m down for a very easy hike once in a while. Or a yoga class in the park. Or a bonfire. Or laying face-down in the grass. Or a food truck festival. Those happen outside — that counts as nature, right?
But if someone is putting that they love nature on their profile, my guess is that they want someone who loves doing things outside like camping and studying trees and getting pooped on by geese. These all fall squarely outside my wheelhouse. Sorry, but start watching 5 hours of TV per day instead and I’ll consider. Left swipe.
What’s on their profile: “In the area for a few days/the holiday”
What I read: “I’m not serious”
Look. Making friends is serious business. It’s not supposed to be fun or easy. It is hard work. You’re telling me that you’re just casually browsing Bumble BFF for the week that you’re in town between Christmas and New Years? I’m sorry, but my life is not a cheesy Christmas movie. We’re not doing that thing where we fall in love then you have to fly home and I run through the airport to confess my (platonic) love to you right when you’re about to board the plane. Not only because that’s not how I roll, but also because the TSA would never allow it.
I simply can’t set myself up for a broken heart by interacting with someone like this.
Like I said before, I’m not picky per se, I just have standards. Just like with online dating, it’s great to be able to find people and gauge their personalities without leaving my couch (and left-swiping anyone who would prefer to climb a mountain than hang out on my couch with me). I’m so glad that we live in the 21st century and I can meet friends on my phone without ever having to put on pants!