As everyone knows, this is the best advice and how-to-guide blog around. I always have awesome guides from how to be the most charming attendee at a holiday party to how to make friends when you’re an old, withered twenty-something. I never like to let my readers down, so, after 3 and a half long years, I am ready to spill the beans. I’m ready to share the secret sauce. To give you the Official Guide™ on how to write blog posts.

I know. You were told when you were younger that the stork brings baby blogs. When an idea and a laptop love each other very much…

All of that was a lie because you weren’t in a place to handle the truth. If you want to know the process of writing blog posts, just keep reading, and get ready to learn how to make your VERY OWN BLOG POSTS!

1. Wait for inspiration to strike

Spend all week waiting for inspiration to come. Wait for that magical moment when creative inspiration and motivation meet and you hear the angels. Wait as long as you can for a blog post to magically come to you. Don’t worry. You’ll think of something and feel like writing before it’s too late…

2. It’s too late

You’re coming up on that blog post deadline, and you’re beginning to realize that the elusive muse isn’t coming. Time to stop waiting and start panicking!

3. Actually try to find some inspiration

Okay, so waiting around wasn’t working. It’s time to chase the muse. If she won’t come to you, you have to hunt her down like a deer or a turkey or the perfect Christmas gift at a Black Friday sale at the outlet mall. Do some reading, write in your journal, go to yoga, use blog post prompt cards — do all of the things that theoretically should inspire you to write. Look at all of the documents in your drive at the pieces of posts you’ve written in the past. Want to finish any of those? What about your phone notes? Any interesting ideas there? No? I guess we’re starting from scratch then!

4. Sit in front of the TV and pretend to write

If you sit there long enough watching your favorite show with your laptop open on your lap, you’ll eventually type something. Monkey with a typewriter and all that. But of course you don’t. You don’t write anything. Every time you look down to write something, another one of your favorite scenes comes up. Even though you’ve seen it 100 times, you still have to watch Michael Scott fight with Jan in the Dinner Party episode. So you end up watching TV instead. Oh well, you’ll write the post sooner or later.

5. Harass all of the people in your life for post ideas

From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep, don’t shut up about the damn post. Friends you text all of the time, coworkers you have to meet with, your editor, the Starbucks barista, the pharmacist that gives you your prescription toothpaste, your partners, your family members, the guy that comes to your house to fix your heater, your dog, all of them, ask anyone who will listen for a blog post idea. They should know you well enough by now to suggest something to write about. Be relentless.

6. Cut them all out of your life when they can’t come up with anything

Cut them. All of them. Even the pharmacist. Especially the pharmacist. They were dead weight anyway…

7. Beg your editor for forgiveness…then beg him to write the post

“Sorry! When I said you were dead weight, I didn’t really mean it. Actually, I didn’t even say that, I don’t think. You must’ve heard me wrong. I think I really said that you look great! Yeah, you’re welcome, so anyway, I’m gonna need you to write this week’s post…” [Editor’s Note: this is a 100% factual account of how the Lockpicking post came to be.]

8. Give up hope

Well, that was it, your last chance to have a post written by foisting it off on someone else. Now it’s all on you, and you know you’re not going to have anything written by your usual posting time. You know, it wouldn’t hurt to skip one week…or run away into the woods, throw out all of your electronics, get off the grid, and disappear never to be heard from again. But damn, who’s going to feed your Tamagotchi…

9. Find hope again

Okay, okay, okay, you were spiraling for a second, but you’re back now. Everything isn’t completely crashing down, and you can totally write this post. You’ve written posts before. Yeah, this isn’t your first rodeo. You can write an awesome post…or even just an okay post, you know, whatever it takes. You’ve just gotta get something out!

10. Finally write the damn post…only 24 hours before it needs to be posted

It’s time to write a damn thing. Literally anything. A listicle? Sure! A silly guide that makes no sense? Why not? On the bright side, you work best under pressure, and there’s no pressure like writing a blog post 24 hours before you’re supposed to post it! This could be your best post yet! Or not. There’s only one way to find out…

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash