Just in case you’re new around here and haven’t heard all of my woes about having an Aging Human Body™…

I’ve got the ‘flux.

Acid reflux, that is. For the record, I come by it honestly. My mom and grandmother both take prescription medication for their acid reflux and have for a long time.

Fortunately (I guess), I didn’t develop acid reflux until I was in my early twenties. Back when I was in college, my friends would look at me sideways as I pounded down any and all carbohydrates and candy that I could get my hands on…only to feel absolutely fine after. They’d all ask me how I did it, and the question confused me. Maybe I was just blessed? Why would I feel sick? Just because I ate an entire carton of Goldfish and a bag of Reese’s? What, like it’s hard?

So, as I’m sure you can imagine, it came as a huge shock to me when I was 22 and I suddenly felt sick after every meal. Granted, I never actually was sick, I would just have nausea that lasted from hours to days. Finals week my senior year, I spent every night pacing the length of my apartment because I was too queasy to lie down.

Eventually, I went to urgent care to see if they could figure out what was wrong. I laid down on the table while the nurse pressed on my stomach to see if anything was tender. Luckily, that wasn’t the case. She asked me where I felt the nausea, and I pointed right at the top of my stomach.

“Oh!” My mom said from behind the nurse (because I am a child and took my mom with me to the doctor), “Yeah, that’s acid reflux.”

While I didn’t love the fact that I was suffering from acid reflux so regularly, I was relieved to know what the problem was and that it wasn’t something too serious. Plus, once I knew what it was, I could adjust my lifestyle to keep myself from feeling sick.

Now, did I actually do that?

…suuuuuuuure I did…

That’s why today I’m sharing with you my guide on how to deal with acid reflux. I hope that you get some great advice since I have so much experience with it, you know, since I’m 30 (!!!!!!!) now.

All the stress

Bodies love stress. Whether it’s running from a lion or sending an email, bodies and brains love being super stressed. The best way to fix your stomach is to keep putting yourself into stressful situations. Can you add more lions or emails? Do it! It definitely won’t backfire at all.

Eat at the first sign of hunger

At least for me, my acid reflux is primarily situational. When I wait too long to eat, it triggers an attack for me. Although, the attack isn’t even triggered until I actually eat, but I digress…

As soon as you start feeling hungry, get something to eat. It doesn’t matter what it is. Half-eaten pretzel you found on the ground? Jackpot. Old hard candies at the bottom of your bag? Tasty. Dead bug you saw in a store? Sounds like protein to me. Eat as soon as you’re hungry to keep from suffering from acid reflux.

Oh, and eat a lot really fast! That makes it even better!

Bring food with you wherever you go

You know, so you can do the thing I said above without resorting to crunching on a cockroach.

You didn’t listen to me, did you? Okay, fine…at least bring apple cider vinegar gummies wherever you go

Oddly enough, apple cider vinegar helps with acid reflux. I’ve read (from a source that definitely wasn’t a Buzzfeed article) that this is because the vinegar tells your body you have enough stomach acid so your body doesn’t make more.

But yeah, no idea how accurate that is so it’s probably apple cider vinegar stomach fairies or something.

Fun fact: drinking apple cider vinegar alone (or diluted…because it’s actually dangerous to drink alone) is nasty. Luckily, like every other supplement on the market, there’s a gummy for that. Carry apple cider vinegar gummies with you at all times to either stave off or end an acid reflux attack. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t, but anything is worth potentially ending an acid-reflux-fueled nightmare.

Buy all of the sugary snacks you can get your hands on

You’ll notice that I said “buy,” not “eat.” Go to every cookie shop, custard stand, and bakery in the 10 mile radius and buy everything that looks delicious. Then, eat them whenever you want!

Oh, but here’s the problem: you’ll never actually want to eat them.

Ever since sugar started making you queasy, you’ve stopped craving it. Your body has all but given up on desserts, so while you used to be able to pound mini cupcakes at an alarming rate, you’re now looking wistfully at cupcakes as you pass them in the kitchen while you reach for something more responsible and nourishing like a salad or a chicken wrap or chili cheese dog.

Sorry cupcakes, I just had to buy you because you were so beautiful. But alas, I can now only enjoy your beauty from afar. Sigh…

Don’t exercise right after eating

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s made the mistake of trying to workout too soon after eating. I’ve had terrible acid reflux attacks from exercising after a big meal.

Don’t make the same mistakes as me. Don’t exercise after eating. Actually, if you can help it, don’t exercise ever again. Do yourself a favor and never even look at a gym again. Become one with your couch. Goodbye, acid reflux!

Buffalo sauce is ALWAYS worth it

Unfortunately, when you complain about acid reflux while actively eating chicken wings or drinking Buffalo sauce with a straw, people tend to give you the side-eye. Buffalo sauce is known for its acidity, so obviously, it can cause significant acid reflux. My fiancé loves to remind me of this every time I indulge in my favorite treat…he’s said it 6 times today so far. When you suffer from acid reflux, Buffalo Sauce is one of those things you should avoid.

But. I. Don’t. Care.

Stay strong. Enjoy your Buffalo sauce, and suffer the consequences later. Buffalo sauce is always worth the acid reflux attack. You all know the deal: Buffalo sauce everywhere.

If you’re like me and your body has started to betray you in the last few years, I’m really sorry that you’re also old. I hope you enjoyed the freedom to eat entire cakes in one sitting back when it was possible, while now we can’t even handle a cupcake.

*crying noises*

I’m sorry, I think I need some time to be alone…

Pssssssssssst…if you want to keep reading, I wrote a book! You can learn about it and snag it here. #shoplocal, y’all!

Image by Brett Hondow from Pixabay