Don’t get me wrong, leaving the house should generally be avoided at all costs. There is one activity, however, that so many people seem to love…but they are so so wrong.
Going to the movies.
WE HAVE TELEVISION, PEOPLE! WE HAVE NETFLIX! WE HAVE TELEVISIONS THAT WE CAN PUT THE NETFLIX ON! WHY ARE WE STILL GOING TO THE MOVIES?!
Why am I passionate about this topic in particular?
Well…I have no idea, but I have some strong feelings. And here they are.
First of all, the price. In my day…well, okay, right now is technically “in my day,” but still. The price of movie tickets is. TOO. DAMN. HIGH.
If I wanted to spend a ton of money to feel uncomfortable getting up to pee, I’d fly to Europe. And if you want candy, popcorn, or a soda, I hope that you’re willing to go without electricity this month.
But that’s okay, you won’t need your microwave because you have 3 million dollar movie popcorn.
Even worse, if you do sell your left kidney for a drink, you’ll have to pee during the movie. As a 5 foot woman who was not blessed with a large bladder (ask the people who hung out with me on senior trip…a hydrated Renata is a Renata who has to pee approximately every 10 minutes), going the the movies is like torture. Not only do I miss part of the movie if I go to the restroom, but I also have to excuse myself and bother other people if I wasn’t blessed with an aisle seat. For those of you who do not have anxiety, let me put it this way: the idea of excusing myself through an aisle of people makes me consider if suffering from imminent kidney damage would really be that bad.
That actually takes me into my next point. As little as I want to bother the other humans, I also don’t really want to be near them. Especially not in a movie theater. They talk, they text, they…breathe. There’s really no need to be near so many of them at once. AND THEY BRING THEIR KIDS. Y’all know that I love Disney, but going to the movies to see a Disney film is like going to a fun house where all of the clowns are children and all of the children are screaming.
So a normal fun house, really. Without the fun. And everything is on fire.
Okay, so I got a little carried away there, but you get the idea.
Look, I totally understand people who love and want kids, and I wish you the best, but I really don’t want them anywhere near me. At all. Especially not in a confined place where everyone is encouraged to be quiet.
One nice thing, though! A lot of theaters have really made your movie experience more comfortable by installing recliner chairs…so now you can comfortably feel a deep-rooted hatred for humanity and enjoy a movie at the same time. Awesome.
Oh wait, I have another one. Commercials. They always last 2 hours and by the time they end, I’m ready to leave anyway. Nowadays I go into a movie at 5pm and don’t come out until like…1am. Like, no. Bedtime is 9:30 sharp, people! Nine. Thirty. Sharp!
Lastly and most importantly — and I truly cannot stress this enough — if you leave your house to see a movie, you have to put on pants. And honestly, if you don’t think that putting on pants is the worst, then I really don’t know what more I can do for you. ‘
That’s it, I’m amending the rules of the blog: no people who don’t think curly fries are the best OR people who like pants.
Sorry, not sorry you sick, pants-loving people! But don’t worry, you can spend all of the free time you have not reading my blog going to the movies. Enjoy the obscene prices and three-hour commercials while I stay home with my Netflix sans pants *exaggerated wink*.