So I wanted this first post to be about what started me writing this blog in the first place. I decided to start this blog on the day that I had: The Breakdown™.
If you’ve made it past the introduction, you’re probably here because you’re in a similar boat as I am — a directionless sail boat tossed about not only by the sea below you, but the wind carrying you. Always tempted to let that sweet, sweet inertia carry you away until you’re at retirement age (or dead, really), typing away at your spreadsheets until you are embraced by the beautiful release of death. (I swear, I’m not normally this morbid, but we are talking about The Breakdown™, here.)
I’m sure you’re familiar with The Breakdown™. For you, maybe it’s The Weekly Breakdown™, or The Monthly Breakdown™, or you could be one of those go-with-the-flow types that has never experienced The Breakdown™…in which case, you’re just as bad as a curly-fry hater.
The Breakdown™ is what happens when that little voice in your head tells you that you’ve let the inertia carry you too far — after years of exciting schooling and moving around where you were dealing with change after change, the changes suddenly…stop. You’ve settled into a set role that is fairly similar every day. And you start to regret wasting your life away…
…at the ripe old age of 25.
You feel The Breakdown™ coming on as you look over into the next cubicle and your twenty-something office mate is staring dejectedly at her peanut butter and jelly wondering where her life went wrong and your best friend texts you about the tub of ice cream she ate last night without pants on. Yup, it’s an epidemic of stagnating young adults. And we’re all doomed.
Well, not really, but it can be hard to see that.
“It’s hard to see when you’re inside it,” my dad keeps telling me, “but it all works out in the end.” Yeah, yeah, yeah…everything happens for a reason, the universe will provide, cumbaya, I get it. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help me now.
And depression brain doesn’t help anything either, what with it constantly reminding me:
“This is the rest of your life, it’s not going to change ever again.”
Now, logical Renata can tell depression brain how obviously not true that is, but even logical Renata can’t deny: most days really do look the same. I know that people keep telling you that change will happen, but I might tell you something slightly different — oftentimes, you’re going to have to make change happen. And not just that, but you’re going to have to think outside the box to make change happen.
For me, because when I finally find the motivation to do anything, I do ALL THE THINGS, I decided to change a bunch of things at once (you don’t have to do this, and actually, I kind of advise that you don’t) — I started actually using my bullet journal. I applied to take online graduate courses. I started making new dance routines. I was having the writing itch and really needed something to do. I’ve started several books and plays that I know I’ll never finish. And…Jane the Virgin is becoming a writer, dammit, why can’t I?
So I started this blog.
And I don’t know if anyone is going to read it. But I’m making a change in my life. And you can too! Find literally anything you love. Small, big, it doesn’t matter — just find a thing to do, and find somewhere to do it. If you can do it without wearing pants, even better!
So, I, the Renata of sound, non-depressed mind and mostly-sound body (I like buffalo chicken pizza, okay? Is that such a crime?!) am here to tell you that:
Your most exciting days are all still ahead of you.
Yes, I got that from an episode of How I Met Your Mother. No, I have no regrets.
Photography by my talented fiancé. You can find him on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/hope_grows_here/
4 thoughts on “The Breakdown™”
I’m an old friend of your mother’s. I have suffered from depression MY WHOLE LIFE and I am going to enjoy your blog immensely. I won’t share words of wisdom, because every single person suffers and recovers differently.
Thank you for your support, Diane! I really hope that you can find joy and maybe some solace in my words!