You know the type. They treat you like crap: always making you wait, making you feel emotionally and physically awful, making you spend a shitton of money, making you fight with your family…but you just can’t. Stay. Away.
My love for all things Disney is well-known. I can sing pretty much every Disney Princess song verbatim, I own waaaaaay more Disney merch than any one human needs, and I love the nostalgic feeling of visiting the parks.
But the fact remains that visiting the parks isn’t always actually fun. I wrote all about the differences between visiting Disney World as a child vs as an adult in a previous post, and it’s obvious that there is going to be some disenchantment with Disney World as an adult. I mean, let’s be honest, the most magical place on earth becomes slightly less magical when you’re the one paying the mouse.
Like someone drunk-texting an ex on their birthday, I try to go to Disney once a year. I recognize the hardships that I endure, but I just can’t seem to stop going. By the time a year passes, I totally forget all of the bad stuff and can only feel nostalgic about all of the good times that Disney and I had together. Remember that time that Goofy pretended to take my nose while Minnie complimented my dress? That Goofy, what a pip!
After a year of going about my daily life, I become disillusioned with my mundane day-to-day and just want to get out of the rut. I want to go somewhere where I can feel like a kid again. But every year, Disney is just playing with my emotions.
Every year, just like with a bad ex, I have put in all of the effort and travel to go to Disney. Forgetting that Disney World is an international landmark that cannot move, I am still bitter that this relationship can’t go both ways. Always making me put in the emotional labor. Making me pack for days beforehand and get on a plane (and you all know how I feel about airplanes — if not, you easily can!), making me buy Disney-bound merch to wear into the parks to show my unwavering support…
Okay, so that last part might just be due to my addiction to both shopping and pretending that I’m a Disney princess, but still.
Then, once you’re there, it’s like you’re at your ex’s family reunion barbecue. You are instantly assaulted with heat, the sound of screaming children, and looks of disdain as you trip one of the screaming children and laugh about it. Obviously kidding about that last one, but you have to wonder if the people around you can read your thoughts on your face.
Oh and you know how you were constantly waiting for that ex to text you back? Yeah, Disney will make you wait, too. Every register in every store or restaurant, every ride, every bathroom, there’s always a line. Instead of sitting by your phone wishing and waiting for that text from your ex, you’re scrolling through your phone, hoping that you won’t look awkward when you’re the only adult in the place asking for Mickey waffles.
Like your bad ex, Disney doesn’t give a shit about your needs. You need food, water, or a place to escape from the heat? You’d better be willing to pay or make the time and effort to go back to the hotel. Not sure you can make it without collapsing from heat exhaustion? Too bad! No matter how much time, effort, and money you put into this relationship, Disney is all too happy to keep sucking you dry.
Oh, and of course, you’re paying for everything. Your ex can’t be bothered to remember their wallet or get a decent paying job. No, your ex just looks confidently at you when the check comes with a smirk that says “you got this, right?” after insisting that you take them to the most expensive restaurant.
After all of this waiting in the heat and dehydrating, everyone’s going to get a little cranky, right? Suddenly everything your bestie says is getting on your nerves, and your dad’s constant complaining is making you wish you came on this trip alone. If either of them makes one more comment, you just might snap. Just like that bad ex, Disney instigates fights between you and your family. There’s so much pressure to be happy in “the happiest place on earth,” and sometimes that forced happiness can cause family ties to snap. You’re really happy, right? So why is everyone suddenly fighting? I know that you guys want to go back to the pool and relax, but I want to stay out! I just really love Disney okay?!
Everyone leaves Disney thinking that they need a vacation from their vacation and feeling more tired than when they went, but for some strange reason, it always feels so worth it in the end. Every year I think we should get together, and every year I come home saying that I’m not going again the following year.
So if you’re looking for the sign that you should text your ex…
This ain’t it. Don’t do it. Go to Disney World and get mistreated there instead!