To Coffee or Not to Coffee? That is the Question.

And believe it or not, that is a daily question for me.

As someone who insists on getting 8 hours of sleep per night, unlike most Americans, I actually don’t typically struggle in the morning without coffee. If I want something warm, I just break out the herbal tea and it’s all good. I attempt to save my coffee/house budget for those mornings where I’m actually too tired to stop myself from glaring and hissing at everything that moves.

I say my coffee/house budget because if I wanted to get Starbucks every day, I would most likely invest enough into the franchise to afford a small house.

The other problem being that I don’t actually like coffee per se, I really just like the taste of coffee diluted by about a gallon of milk. For you purists out there who didn’t even know this was a thing, it is, and it’s called a latte. Sound it out with me: lah-tay.

Yes, I do speak Italian, but only the food words.

Lattes are basically wimpy coffee, or sexy milk, I guess, depending on your viewpoint. If I want to pretend that I’m actually drinking coffee when I go to Starbucks, I get a latte macchiato, which is basically a latte wearing anchor arms from Spongebob. It was a wimp, but now it’s a jerk, and everybody loves it!

The problem with having a latte addiction is that lattes involve one shot of espresso and a crapton of frothed milk. So I can’t even make them at home, I have to go elsewhere to get one. Which means that I have to put on pants. And you know how I feel about pants. Besides, let’s be honest, if I had the time and energy to use and maintain an espresso machine, I’d probably be doing something like…exercising every day.

Heh heh. Right, exercising.

On the other hand, if it’s a tight month and I want to save about three cents on my latte, I go to Dunkin’, where they compensate for the ice in their iced drinks by making them approximately the size of your head. And then you spend the rest of your day seeing sounds and humming “What Is Love” on repeat while head banging like Will Ferrell on “Night at the Roxbury.”

But there are a few necessary reasons to cave into blowing my life savings on coffee. And one of them is: Pumpkin Spice Lattes. That’s right my friends, Pumpkin Spice Latte season is upon us again, and you know what that means?

I’m drinking all of them. All. Of. Them.

Except not really, because I can’t afford the Ugg boots that I am required to wear while drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes while also affording all of the Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Quite the Catch-22.

If you’re already a fan of Pumpkin Spice Lattes (or PSLs, because me and Pumpkin Spice Lattes are tight like that), then, like me, you were probably at Starbucks at the crack of dawn last Tuesday, ordering to the tune of the cashier saying “You’re my first PSL sale this season!”

To which I replied by looking at the ceiling, holding my arms up, and singing “Where are the balloons?” then talking to the barista about my blog. Because, you know, me. I swear, one of these days I’ll get business cards made up.

In case you’re reading this, hey there, new friend barista! I’m regretting not getting your name!

Or maybe you ordered your beloved PSL and the cashier was so tired of PSLs already that they decided to quit on the spot (which is what happened the next day I went to Starbucks). I think she was joking though. Although she did throw her apron in the garbage on the way out the door…

If you haven’t had a Pumpkin Spice Latte yet and you’re wondering what the fuss is all about (or you needlessly make fun of those of us who drink them — YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), I would highly recommend trying one. If you don’t like sweet, though, this drink may not be for you. In order for me to even tolerate a PSL, I have to ask for two fewer pumps of the pumpkin sauce.

Which reminds me…let’s take a moment here to discuss the fact that they call it “sauce”? Like why can’t they call it “syrup” like every other flavor? Is it really that much thicker than syrup that they needed to create a whole new classification? Really?

So imagine someone turned a pumpkin into sauce (that is clearly not syrup, guys), and put it inside your coffee cup with a bunch of milk.

Oh, and there’s coffee in there somewhere. I think.

If you’re already dreading the end of the Pumpkin Spice Latte season that just began last week, never fear! Once the Great (Spicy) Pumpkin leaves us until next year, Chestnut Praline season starts. How ever did we live before we had a different flavor latte for every season? I’m glad that I will never find out.

Chestnut Praline Lattes are the reason why none of my family has gotten Christmas presents from me for the last four years! Yes, they are that good. I actually prefer Chestnut Praline Lattes to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but don’t tell anyone! I’ll get my basic club card revoked…

And in case you’re wondering, this post is unfortunately not sponsored by Starbucks. They refuse to answer my letters after I suggested the tiramisu latte and it tanked. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. Is it my fault that I wanted a delicious and dynamic Italian dessert in a cup? Is loving espresso and mascarpone cheese a crime?! Maybe if Starbucks would stop being salty and start sponsoring my posts, I’d actually be able to afford to move out within the next five years. *wink wink…sigh*


Photography by my talented fiancé. You can find him on Instagram at

9 thoughts on “To Coffee or Not to Coffee? That is the Question.

  1. LOL!! I got my first PSL yesterday, which, was honestly kind of meh. What I really can’t wait for is a double tall peppermint mocha. They’re actually available year round, but I only like them in the winter. Gotta be kinda frosty outside. Tiramisu latte sounds amazing too!!


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