It’s no secret that I haven’t been around much lately.

Part of it is that a lot has been going on in my life (including my book coming out *cough cough*).

But another part of it is that (by some miracle) I’ve been learning how to take my time.

I’ve never been one to have any sliver of patience. You know how people say “patience is a virtue?” A long time ago, I decided that the correct response to that saying is “Patience is a virtue. One I do not have.”

Typically, I need to do everything with urgency. As soon as I get an idea for something, I spring into action. If I don’t do something immediately, I may lose motivation or energy. This is why I’ve always struggled with large, long term projects. There was no end in sight. Plus, when I get the idea to do something, it typically lives as an itch in the back of my head until it’s done.

So that’s fun.

But recently, I’ve been approaching things with much more patience. Life has been moving more slowly…and I surprisingly don’t hate it?

In my old age (I turned 30 last week so now I’m over the hill, yknow), I’ve begun slowing down.

The first and most obvious thing is this blog. Back in the summer, I started struggling to write weekly. I begrudgingly gave myself some grace — it was okay if I didn’t post one week as long as I posted the next week. Then, weeks kept coming and going and I still couldn’t bring myself to write. I had to accept that there just wouldn’t be a blog post every week.

That wasn’t the only writing project that has been moving at a snail’s pace, either.

The final steps of publishing the book were mostly out of my control. Waiting for the designer to finish the interior of the book, then waiting for the book to go live on the different platforms, then waiting for the proof to come in the mail, it was all a bunch of waiting. I may have refreshed the delivery information for the proof every thirty seconds, but still! The process involved a lot of waiting and, generally speaking, I accepted that and kept my cool.

I also have another writing project that’s been in the “idea” stage for years at this point. I’ve begun working on it slowly, but I’ve still only written a few thousand words (and haven’t touched it in months). Normally, this would make me extremely impatient. I would have to either write an entire book in a weekend or give up on the project entirely. But I’m happy to just let this take all of the time that it needs. If that means writing a few thousand words a year, so be it!

In the meantime, I’ve been taking more time with my day job as well. I’m currently working part-time, and while I do want to work full-time sooner rather than later, I’m trying to remember that the amount of work I have doesn’t necessitate spending 40 hours per week. So I shouldn’t be working on it for 40 hours per week.

I’m taking my time, waking up without an alarm, getting coffee with friends when I want to, and enjoying the free time I do have.

When I have that free time, I play video games…but slooooooooooooooooooooowly. I typically plow through every video game that I start, completely forgetting the world around me for hours or days on end. Lately, I’ve been playing in short bursts. My hobbies don’t take over my life, I pick them up when I feel like it.

It’s okay to enjoy things at a leisurely pace!

Wow, that’s something I never thought I’d say. Is this what growth feels like?

I’ve even started eating more slowly, which is super new for me. As someone with disordered eating issues, I have a tendency to mindlessly binge and feel the need to eat everything on my plate. Now, as everything else slows down, I’ve started listening to my body a bit more and waiting to see if I’m still hungry before taking that next bite or going back for seconds. Suck it, acid reflux!

Finally, I’m feeling less pressured to answer messages right away. While I used to feel the need to clear out every single notification on my phone and respond to messages immediately, now I’m taking my time and answering messages when I have the energy.

Okay, so as I’m typing, I’m realizing that at least some of this is probably due to depression, but it’s still nice that I don’t feel antsy about moving more slowly. I’ll take that as a step in the right direction.

So in this, “my anti-rush era,” as the kids say (and I know because I consulted one of “the kids” for this), don’t expect me to get anything done quickly, read that book you suggested right away, or answer your text the minute you send it.

I just don’t feel like moving fast right now. And as different and new as it is for me, I’m really enjoying taking my time. Someday soon, I’m sure I’ll find the balance between urgency and chill, but until then, I’m going to ride this “anti-rush” wave…and/or fall asleep trying.

Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash